My world. No, it’s Your world and me in it. How do I get this confused? You would think after walking so many years in the Light of Christ that the concept of being an alien in this world would be a solid belief, yet I find myself sunk deep in the muck of my desires, permeated with the details of being involved in all that goes on around me. I could never be a Mother Theresa. Not because I don’t care for the disenfranchised, but where would I find electricity to plug in my hairdryer; how could I afford makeup, and there would be no need to wear sexy boots. Don’t get me wrong; I would spend a week or even a month roughing it on a mission trip or helping a friend or family member. I might even give up a weekend to help a stranger move or feed a crowd.
But I fear there is something missing in my DNA when it comes to full-fledged, sold out, surrendered body, soul, and mind to the things of God. I worry that I am more like King Saul than his replacement, David. Saul could not seem to do everything God commanded because he was self-absorbed. God finally told Saul to step aside and let another take his place.
So in my effort to prove I have a heart that beats only for God (so I can be like King David), I have swung the hammer of law to crush the liberty of others. Just ask my daughter or my ex. It has seemed more important to be righteous than to be gracious. Oh, and giving grace can feel soooo very gracious. Yuck!
Like Jeremiah in Lamentations wrote, “The yoke of my transgressions was bound; they were woven by His hand and thrust upon my neck; He made my strength fail.” Yet, I thank Him for that. There is this side of me that longs to be led serenely trusting Christ’s words and revelation. Though I may not have a natural ability to follow the God of my life, I am urged to keep submitting to Him. Because of this desire, I believe His Holy Spirit spurs me on to love in the midst of external turmoil or the humiliation of internal weakness. Christ tells us that He is coming again and that we need to rid ourselves of any hindrance to recognizing His appearance. If the destruction of my world is necessary to the salvation of my soul, then so be it.