Journal entry: November 2, 2014
Oh, God, I sometimes feel that because I am not doing right things, I do not deserve to be blessed, and when I am doing right things and am blessed that doing good works is not the reason for those blessings in my life; and when I am doing right things and am not blessed then I must be self-deceived – I must have turned from You and have sin in my life. My faith pales in the face of hardship, so instead of reading Jeremiah and Titus today, maybe I should be meditating on Job!
Yet, there are truths in today’s reading of Scripture that prick my conscience about beliefs I still hold – You beckon me, “Call to Me, and I will answer you, and show you great and mighty things, which you do not know,” (Jeremiah 33:3). Your promises today in Jeremiah 33:6 declare that You will bring health and healing; that You will heal me and reveal to me the abundance of peace and truth. So why do I get stuck in this loop of ‘He loves me, He loves me not?’
I think what may be happening is that I become complacent in seeking You; focusing on the acquisition of knowledge or seeking out blessings for tangible things or measurable progress. Though I am up at the crack of dawn, studying Your word, I pack it like a sandwich to be eaten later in the day only to toss it aside for fast food tidbits of earthly wisdom. Yet You, too, are up early. You call to me as You did to the Israelites in Jeremiah’s day, “Will you not receive instruction? But although I have spoken to you, rising early and speaking, you did not obey Me. I have also sent to you all My servants the prophets, rising up early and sending them, saying, ‘Turn now everyone from his evil way, amend your doings and do not go after other gods to serve them,’” Jeremiah 35:13-15.
Though I often take joy in Your word, dear Lord, I cannot overlook that You have said to me on more than one occasion, “You recently turned and did what was right in My sight…Then you turned around and profaned My name…” Jeremiah 34:15, 16. Actually, I hear this in my conscience throughout the day. Do you ever get tired of repeating these words to us?
Tossed to and fro, I languish in a desert of twisted emotions and irrational thoughts leading back to my earlier ambivalence about faith, hope, and love. I will read on until appears sweet assurance of Your greatest truth:
Titus 3:4-6 But when the kindness and the love of God our Savior toward man appeared, not by works of righteousness which we have done, but according to His mercy He saved us, through the washing of regeneration and renewing of the Holy Spirit, whom He poured out on us abundantly through Jesus Christ our Savior, that having been justified by grace we should become heirs according to the hope of eternal life.”
Ah! So there it is. I have done nothing to deserve these delights, and I have done many things that invalidate my place in Your house. Yet, I will taste of Your kindness and love for me; I will down the Holy Spirit’s water of purity, and I will accept whatever Your plans for me may be this day.