I did not become a Christian until much later in my life. It was in that place of complete and utter brokenness that Jesus came and found me. I somehow knew He was the only answer to healing and not continuing down that same road of self-destruction I had been walking. I cried out to God and He heard my cries.
Psalm 70:5 But as for me, I am poor and needy; come quickly to me, O God. You are my help and my deliverer; Lord, do not delay.
I started going to a counselor. As I went through therapy, the counselor pegged quite early on how to get her point across to me. She would give me analogies to represent what she was talking about. It took me some time to catch on to this—mainly because when I first started my journey with her, I felt like I was in the middle of a dark cavern. To give an analogy, years ago I went with a friend to see Mammoth Cave in KY. We walked through this cave and saw the beautiful stalactites and stalagmites and when we were in the middle, the guide turned off the lights. As we stood there, I seriously could not see my hand in front of my face while it was touching my nose. It was very frightening because I know without light I would never have found my way out. That blackness is the only way to describe how I felt at that point in time.
But as I surrendered to God’s process, ever so slowly I could see a light. The Light (Jesus) became real to me. It was through that therapy I learned so much about myself: how I learn, why I react to things the way I do, and how to finally let go of so much baggage. God was my constant companion. He was my Teacher. His Word taught me how He intended for us to live and His Spirit enabled me to change.
Is 59:12 For our offenses are many in your sight, and our sins testify against us. Our offenses are ever with us,
There are certain movies I’ve seen over the years that have made a powerful impact upon my life. “A Beautiful Mind” is one of them for me. The movie is about John Nash, a Nobel Prize winner who suffered with schizophrenia. The part of the film that spoke to me most was the part at the end when he is talking to his wife and he looks over to the side and standing there are three characters he thought were real at one point in his life. He tells her that he chooses not to acknowledge them even though they follow him around everywhere he goes.
Sometimes, I feel the same way. As a follower of Jesus, I know that I’ve been forgiven for the sins from my past, and I have forgiven the people who hurt me. But sometimes, out of nowhere, those memories of my past come into my mind or the people from my past will show up in my dreams. Then I feel like they follow me around (our offenses are ever with us). If I let them become real again, they will overtake me–and they have a time or two! But I have a loving Father who will not let me stay there. When I fall on my face before Him, He reminds me of the truth of who He is and who He says I am. He picks me up off the floor and sets my feet back on the path, that narrow path that Jesus talks about. With Jesus as my Lord, those characters that follow me around can’t get to me because He is stronger.
1 Cor 16:13 Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be courageous; be strong.
I have learned that I have God’s Word to cling to at all times, that I can protect my mind with praise music or sermons when I am weak, and to call on friends and ask them to pray for me when I am being haunted by the lies. I have the name of Jesus and have just called that out when I didn’t know what else to say. God has given us everything we need to live a victorious life. It is our choice to trust Him, rely on Him, and to find our strength in Him.
Lord, I am so thankful that you never give up on us. You continue to love us, to teach us, and to draw us to You. When we truly grasp who You are and that you truly are for us, our lives change. I pray that our changed lives will be contagious and others will want to know You because of all You’ve done in us. Let them see Jesus! In His name I pray, Amen.