Writers block, Distractions? NO, I do NOT have any of those. My brain is constantly spinning and life is going on around me, people are moving by at fast paces, children are laughing in the background, families are arguing in the stores, men are begging for food on sidewalks, I am on the side of the road taking photos of a car bumper lying in the middle of the highway all while cars are zooming by, I am waking up late/missing the bus for the kids thus finding myself smack dab in the hallway of the school still in my pajamas searching for my child’s folder that his brother had taken by accident; and all the while..LIFE GOES ON…I whirl right by as soon as those moments are past. I HAVE to get to my appointment and then to the store to get the stuff to make the things so family can eat so they will go to bed and then I can have quiet and rest. This week has been a whirlwind of events ranging from : 1)having yet ANOTHER birthday , 2) receiving a very hard to swallow pill of a phone call regarding my child, 3) having someone from my past (whom I thought had been left there) confront me trying to cause temptation to resurface within me, 4) hearing that another friend whom had fallen deep into sin was now wanting to make changes in their life and was asking for my family’s insights and prayers. 5)having to explain to someone the reasons behind a firm decision I had made knowing it was none of their business but if I did not share it they would not stop asking me “why, why, why?” THE NOISE, THE VIVID SCENES carved deep into my heart and brain. Where do I find solitude and peace???
I was invited two days ago to attend a celebrate recovery event to listen and support a friend whom had been asked to share her testimony of God’s working in her life. I found myself still there after she was done speaking and decided to go into one of the smaller groups because another friend was there so I figured I could support her because why else would I go in? I DO NOT have ANY issues. I’m involved in church, I write for a Christian Bible blog, I sing on a worship team, I have a lot of good friends and am “on the right track.” My past has some ups and down, sure, but that is over and done with now. As I sat listening to others share, something happened within me that for the first time in 33, YES COUNT THEM, 33 years, God completely knocked me over the head, brought me to my knees in a moment of complete vulnerability and I confronted some very deep things that had been thrown to the wayside and overlooked because of my deep rooted PRIDE that I had forgotten about! I had chosen to not admit that I was struggling in these areas, but somehow believed I could mask it for so long and it would magically not weigh me down. There were no alter calls or any pressure to share by any of the others who were there, but I felt God’s pricking on my heart. As I obeyed, I released guilt, sorrow, pain, pride, envy, anger, stressors, thoughts of “what will others think of a,b, or c”. There I sat in one breath feeling completely renewed and suddenly in my human state was fearing that the direct acknowledgement of these issues would surely reveal that I was a hypocrite in some manner of speaking and could never be used by God again.
I do not have an astounding across the board theme and story depiction for these four chapters I am writing about today, but there is ONE thought and 3 verses that stood out to me!
Psalms 79:8-9 “Oh, do not hold us guilty for our former sins! Let your tender-hearted mercies quickly meet our needs. For we are brought low to the dust. Help us, O God of our salvation! Help us for the honor of your name. Oh, save us and forgive our sins for the sake of your name.” 2 Samuel 24:25 “David built an altar there to the Lord and offered burnt offerings and peace offerings. And the Lord answered his prayer, and the plague was stopped.”
My “plague” that has burdened me for so many years and eaten away at my inner being HAS BEEN STOPPED. God can and will continue to use me just as he used David amidst his wrongs and JESUS is the answer to “Where I find my solitude and peace”. No more whirlwinds and scurrying by missing out on the heart of the matter just to ensure that the surface of it is “completed”.
Precious Father, I am unworthy of your mercy and grace, yet here I sit being surrounded by it and your never-ending love. You have taught me that eloquence and “perfectionism” is not a requirement to be used for your glory. You simply desire me, in my brokenness. For that I am eternally grateful. Use me, lead me, guide me and slow me down so that I do not find myself having to scrape off a mask again just to see what I am missing around me. Amen.
Although I’ve known of this song for years, it speaks direct louder volumes to me today!